Friends recognize that God consecrates marriage. Marriage is the expression of God’s will and purpose functioning in two lives, joined with joy, reverence, faith and an expectation of lifelong partnership. Couples serve as important examples for our children and young adults as they learn about adult relationships. Quaker marriage vows invoke divine assistance. Friends believe that when we know God’s love in our lives, when we are open to receiving direction, we find the divine assistance that our relationships need. This requires openness and a maturity of spirit as we seek to love the other person as he or she actually is.When Friends marry, they are encouraged to do so under the care of the Meeting, in a spirit of commitment for lifelong care of the relationship. Friends act as witnesses to what the Spirit has brought together.
Introduction
Legal Recognition of Quaker Marriage
Marriage and Gender
Marriage Under the Care of The Meeting
Marriage Clearness Committee
Arrangements Committee
Meeting For Worship on The Occasion of Marriage
Marriage After the Manner of Friends
Nurturing Marriage
Remarriage
Separation and Divorce
Introduction
All marriages need a foundation of commitment, communication, honesty, and integrity. Patience, humor, and a spirit of adventure, guided by a mutual trust in God’s presence, strengthen the present and brighten the hope for the future.
Marriages pass through many phases, and through all phases the quality of marriage is tested. Respect for each other and the expression of enduring love deepen the bond.With God’s help, each couple finds a true path and a way of living that leads to a strong union. The Meeting can provide guidance and support to marriages through clearness committees, retreats, workshops, and referral when needed. Most important, the Meeting and individuals help couples through prayer and a strong belief in divine assistance in daily life.
[back to top]
Legal Recognition of Quaker Marriage
Early Friends struggled to gain recognition of their marriages. In a 1661 case involving inheritance for children of Friends, an appeal was made to the English court seeking legal recognition of Quaker marriages. It was successful, and subsequent marriages have been recorded and legally recognized in England. In the United States, recognition of Quaker marriages is determined by individual states.
Today, most Quaker couples record their marriages with legal authorities. The legal institution of marriage carries with it certain rights and responsibilities, as defined by the State. The laws concerning who may marry are changing. Once illegal in many states, interracial marriages are now granted full legal recognition. Marriages between same-gender couples may be undergoing a similar change. Friends’ concern for equity in the legal rights of same-gender couples is affirmed in Pacific Yearly Meeting Minute 96-14.
[back to top]
Marriage and Gender
Although Monthly Meetings vary in belief and practice regarding same-gender marriage, there is a growing acceptance of the principle that gender and sexual orientation should not influence Friends’ decision to take a marriage under its care. † It is consistent with Quakers’ historical faith and testimonies that Friends practice a single standard of treatment for all couples who wish to marry. The same level of careful discernment should be used in interviewing a gay or lesbian couple as a heterosexual couple. All such ceremonies should be blessed occasions where life partners join together in the presence of God.
[back to top]
Marriage Under the Care of The Meeting
When a couple wishes to be married “under the care of the Meeting,” they should write a letter stating their intention and requesting that the Meeting begin the clearness process. When both members of the couple are members of one Meeting, the marriage is usually under the care of the Meeting where their memberships reside. When either partner holds membership in another Meeting, a letter of clearness should be obtained from that Meeting.When one member of the couple is not a Friend, his or her religious affiliation needs to be considered in terms of how it will be acknowledged in the clearness process and in the wedding. When active non-members ask to be married under the care of the Meeting, they are subject to the same process with the marriage clearness committee as members.
Circumstances sometimes lead Meetings to make adjustments to the customary procedures. Such variations should be seriously considered and decisions taken under the guidance of worship.
[back to top]
Marriage Clearness Committee
When the request for oversight of a marriage under the care of Meeting is received, the overseers should appoint a marriage clearness committee. Members of this committee should be available, willing to give prayerful consideration regarding the right course of action, and well-informed about Friends practice. The marriage clearness committee and the Meeting need to be sensitive to the couple’s hopes and expectations for setting the wedding date. However, until the Meeting has actually approved taking the marriage under its care, no date should be announced.
The couple and the marriage clearness committee should meet together for thoughtful and prayerful discussions to seek God’s will regarding the proposed marriage. The Committee may also meet with each of the partners individually. Specific queries or topics may aid the discussions, or they may arise out of worship. Everyone in the clearness process should approach each meeting with open hearts and minds, and with sufficient time for thorough understanding and seasoning to occur. Possible encumbrances should be explored to ensure that the couple is free of conflicting obligations.
When the couple and the committee are clear that the marriage should go forward, the marriage clearness committee reports to Overseers, indicating that unity has been found. The Monthly Meeting accepts the report for consideration at the following Meeting for Business. When the Meeting has united in approving the request, a time and place for the wedding should be scheduled and the Meeting should appoint an arrangements committee.
If unity to move forward is not readily found, the marriage clearness committee and the couple may choose to continue seeking God’s will in this matter, or they may choose to lay aside the request indefinitely or even permanently. This should be reported to the Overseers.
[back to top]
Arrangements Committee
The arrangements committee, which should include a member from the marriage clearness committee, works with the couple to ensure that all desired legal requirements are met and that the marriage is accomplished with simplicity, dignity and reverence. A wedding reception may become part of this committee’s responsibility.
The arrangements committee should know the local legal requirements for registration of marriages and be prepared to help the couple take responsibility for obtaining, filing, and mailing necessary forms. The final responsibility of this committee is to ensure that a minute recording the marriage is prepared for the Monthly Meeting’s next Meeting for Business.
[back to top]
Meeting For Worship on The Occasion of Marriage
Meeting for Worship on the occasion of marriage should be simple and reflect the importance of the step the couple is taking. The Meeting gathers in silence at the appointed time, witnessing as two individuals join together freely and equally.
The meaning of the Meeting for Worship and the procedure of a Friends wedding should be explained to non-Friends in the invitations or early in the Meeting. After a suitable time the couple should rise (if able) and, taking each other by the hand, each in turn declare to the other words to this effect:
In the presence of God, and before these our Friends, I take thee, ________, to be my (wife, husband, partner, spouse), promising, with Divine assistance, to be unto thee a loving and faithful (wife, husband, partner, spouse) as long as we both shall live. After these or similar declarations, the marriage certificate† should be signed by the couple, using the names by which they will be known. A Friend should be appointed in advance to read aloud the certificate of marriage.
A period of worship follows, in which all are free to speak out of the silence as they are led. When the time seems right the Clerk or designated Acting Clerk should close the Meeting. Everyone present should be invited to sign the marriage certificate.When the marriage is to be recorded, the Clerk is responsible for seeing that the required legal document is delivered to the proper legal authority.
[back to top]
Marriage After the Manner of Friends
Occasionally couples ask for and receive permission to be married “after the manner of Friends.” Couples may have questions about the appropriate procedure for a “Quaker style” wedding. Overseers should be willing to give such guidance. Couples who are not members of the Meeting should be advised that neither the Meeting nor the Clerk may sign legal certificates or documents for them.
[back to top]
Nurturing Marriage
The spiritual journey of an individual can be enhanced and strengthened in the marital relationship. The covenant of marriage opens the door to free and unreserved love, to forgiveness, to sharing strengths, to trust, and to the nurture of each other’s growth. The relationship thrives in the mutual practice of openness, honesty, and shared responsibility.
A Meeting’s responsibility for nurturing, supporting and celebrating a marriage under its care does not end with the wedding, but endures throughout the whole of life. The marriage clearness committee may take the lead in establishing an ongoing relationship with the couple. For example, celebrations, workshops and supportive discussion groups as well as Meetings for Worship are important within the life of the marriage. Couples often appreciate the feeling of oversight that the Meeting offers when times are easy, but fail to invite the oversight process during difficult times.
As with marriages conducted under the care of the Meeting, members’ marriages outside the Meeting require loving support and oversight. If a member is married outside the care of the Meeting, members of the Oversight Committee should visit with the newly married couple, expressing the support of the Meeting for the new relationship. A non-member partner should be made welcome and invited to attend Meeting.
Friends with a concern about their own or others’ marriages should bring such concern to the Oversight Committee. As witnesses and parties to the marriage, the Meeting has the responsibility to be steadfast and direct in fulfilling its oversight obligation. Overseers may see a need for concern and action before the couple does. Prayerful worship and God’s leading should guide all in these matters, overcoming hesitancies and embarrassment. Meetings may wish to develop guidelines for the support of both healthy and troubled marriages, and thus find it easier to nurture marriage partners in its community. Similar support can be offered to non-member couples who are active in the life of the Meeting.
Friends should not endure physical or emotional abuse nor should they or their children be exposed to sexual exploitation. If the Oversight Committee becomes aware of such exploitation or abuse, they should approach the offender(s) forthrightly, seeking correction of the unacceptable behavior. While holding both the violator and the violated in the Light, it is incumbent upon Friends to protect the victim(s) and seek help for the violator. This may appropriately involve informing legal authorities and other services. Where abuse or exploitation exists, counseling and/or separation or divorce may be advised.
[back to top]
Remarriage
When a divorced or widowed person wishes to remarry, it is a time for rejoicing. Remarriage is a new commitment to partnership and should be handled by a clearness committee in the same manner as other marriage requests. The clearness committee should be sensitive to issues of time, children, and the spiritual healing of each partner related to their prior marriage. The remarriage of divorced persons under the care of the Meeting should not occur until prior personal, financial, or legal obligations have been resolved.
Remarriage may create a blended family. Children of either partner should be consulted during the clearness process. By encouraging all parties to examine their feelings and expectations, the clearness committee can be helpful in resolving feelings about the new family order. It may sometimes be helpful to consult with ex-partners and former family members.†
[back to top]
Separation and Divorce
Marriage is a covenant. Marriage vows should not be taken lightly or broken easily. Nevertheless, some couples find themselves unable to overcome difficulties in their relationships and find it necessary to separate or divorce.Many people experience a sense of failure for promises not kept. In such situations, Meeting can help them remember that God’s grace is available to all.
A crisis in a marriage is a spiritual crisis.† The Meeting’s first responsibility is to minister to this spiritual crisis by providing a clearness committee, offering prayer, and holding individuals in the Light. The pain of separation and divorce, even in the best of circumstances, can take years to heal.Meetings may provide helpful referrals to professional counseling resources and vital support such as childcare, a listening ear, or a holding hand.
Although it is not the role of a clearness committee to offer legal advice, such a committee can be a welcome adjunct to an oftendivisive legal procedure. Within a clearness committee, mutual accords may be reached and noted to remind the couple of their agreement. Peaceful mediation should be sought whenever possible, either within or outside the Meeting. If it becomes necessary to seek legal counsel, Friends are advised to do so with careful consideration.
A member of the Oversight Committee should consider approaching a couple they know to be struggling with their relationship to offer a clearness committee. Friends need to be courageous about reaching out to a couple that otherwise might not be ready to ask for help. Tenderness towards the needs of the individuals in the relationship should always be paramount, holding each of them in the Light and offering appropriate assistance when they are receptive to it.
If, after prayerful consideration and using the resources of a clearness committee, separation or divorce seems inevitable, the Oversight Committee of the Monthly Meeting should be informed. Dissolution should move forward only when the couple is clear that a marriage no longer exists.
Friends should be tender to the needs of any children involved. They have a right to be heard. The Meeting’s role may be as simple as appointing individuals to listen to the children’s fears or taking them on an outing. It may be advisable to offer a separate clearness committee for the children so they may freely express their desires.
† A clearness committee for separation or divorce may wish to consider such matters as:
- How the separation or divorce will affect the spiritual life, sense of self, and relationships of each of the partners.
- Alternatives to divorce.
- How children will be affected.
- How finances and property will be affected.
- How legal obligations will be met.
- How involvement in the life of the Meeting will be affected.
Source: Excerpted from Pacific Yearly Meeting, Procedures, Marriage, 2001